I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
