I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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