I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's shark week go big or go home
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
