i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
