My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
