I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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