Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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