I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
