Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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