I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Ketchup is God's man juice
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
is it fun? or sober?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
