my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
