I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
