Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
