the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
