Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
