She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
