Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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