matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
