when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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