Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
