My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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