is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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