Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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