i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
