i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
