apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
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