i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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