Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
MIDGETS
????
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
