3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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