There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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