i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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