my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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