Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
