The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
