Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
