mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
