I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
