why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
