I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
