When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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