I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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