The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
