I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
