I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
