Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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