My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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