Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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