I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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