I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt