i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.