Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
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I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
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I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.