I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.