i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
