i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I've blown a few things in my day
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
