ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
