Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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