No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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