I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
