i jhust puked up my retainher.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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